I don’t understand why people won’t just call others by the names they want to be called. When I was seven years old I decided that I would be Jim rather than James, and everybody supported me. I’m pretty sure my family already called me Jim, but I know that to my kindergarten and first grade teachers I was James. After that, teachers would call me James on the first day of school, but I told them I preferred Jim and that was the end of it. I had one teacher who called me Jimmy, but … well, he was kind of a jerk. He was the gym teacher and I was maybe eight years old. Not much I could do about it.
I encountered someone just like my old gym teacher about 15 years later. He was a higher-up at a bank where I worked. He had the annoying habit of calling people by their given names, regardless of stated preference. He wasn’t directly in my chain of command although he was higher up enough that he could easily have had me fired if he wanted to. Fortunately, I didn’t interact with him often.
When I first met William, he greeted me as James. I smiled and shook his hand and said, “Nice to meet you, William. I prefer Jim.” We had a short conversation. The next time we met he again addressed me as James. I said to him, “William, I prefer Jim. Only my mom calls me James, and then only when I’m in trouble.” That didn’t work, either.
I found out over time that William’s annoying habit of mis-naming people was something of a joke among his subordinates at the bank. I honestly don’t recall if he had that same annoying habit with his bosses. Being young and a little unsure of my position, I let it slide. For the money I was being paid, I could put up with that jerk a few times a month.
As one of two programmer-slash-admins at the bank, I had to support anything computer-related. I guess I’d been there a year when I was to come up to the office to look at a screen one of the secretaries was having trouble with. The problem screen just happened to contain William’s personnel file. The name at the top of the screen was Alfred William <lastname>.
Yeah.
The next time I saw William was a few days later at a monthly meeting with about 50 employees. Part of that meeting involved the head of each department getting up and saying a few words, and taking a few questions. So when William was done with his talk I raised my hand and he called on me:
William: Yes. James?
Me: Alfred … pause … I was wondering about . . .
I didn’t get to finish because he turned red, pointed at me and then the door, and said in a very soft, threatening voice: “Get. Out. Of. Here. … Now.”
Understand, I fully expected to be fired. But by then I knew that my programming skills were in demand and I could find another job easily enough if I had to. I decided that if they fired me, I wouldn’t fight it. Why would I want to work for a company that thinks it’s okay for a senior manager to openly disrespect people? I was laughing as I drove home that night.
I didn’t get fired, and William never called me James again. And I never called him Alfred again, although I did wonder why he had such a reaction to me using his correct first name. Did he have some serious hatred of his given name? Or perhaps he got angry because I showed him obvious disrespect in public. Whatever the case, he started calling people by their preferred names.
I don’t know for sure that the following is true, but I have some evidence to support it.
William went to my manager’s manager and told him to fire me. My chain of command refused, and William escalated the issue to his manager. William’s manager talked to one of his peers, who happened to observe the incident and after some checking around discovered William’s bad habit. William’s manager told William that it was his own darned fault that he was embarrassed in public, and that there wasn’t going to be any retaliation.
Point is, calling somebody by a name other than the one that they prefer to be called by is a sign of disrespect. Actually, of contempt. What you’re saying, when you call somebody by a name other than the one they want to be called by, is that their preferences do not matter to you. I don’t care if that person is a casual acquaintance, or your 50-year-old daughter. If you continually mis-name somebody, you are intentionally being disrespectful, and you can expect nothing but disrespect, or contempt, in return.
Oh, and if I mis-name you–call you by a name other than the one you prefer–please correct me. Be nice the first time. And maybe the second time? I do make a sincere effort to address people as they prefer, but I make mistakes all too often. And, truthfully, I’m more likely to forget your name altogether than I am to call you by the wrong name.